In the recent Lower 4 pastoral evening, Ms Redman and Ms Harding offered parents a fascinating insight into what’s happening during this unique stage of development and how both school and home can work together to support the girls through it.
Navigating the ‘Chrysalis Years’: Supporting Your Daughter’s Journey Through Early Adolescence
Ms Redman, Head of Middle School and Ms Harding, Head of Lower 4
As parents, watching your daughter grow through the early years of secondary school can be both a joy and a challenge. These are the years of transformation, a time when girls begin to stretch their wings but haven’t quite taken flight.
Early adolescence is a fascinating stage of life. Like the chrysalis stage of a butterfly, at this point, girls are no longer the childlike caterpillars they once were, yet they are not fully the butterflies they will become. It is a messy, in-between period where quiet but powerful transformation is happening. It might not always look elegant, but it is essential for growth.
Changing Friendships
Friendships can shift rapidly during this stage. Best friends one week may not hold the same place the next, and groups that once seemed solid may feel fragile. These changes can be unsettling, but they are completely normal. Each experience helps girls learn important life skills: resilience, negotiation, handling conflict, making up, and redefining relationships.
Support at this stage is less about smoothing away every bump and more about helping girls express feelings safely and think about how to rebuild trust. Disagreement is normal in any friendship, and learning to apologise, forgive, and move on is a skill that takes practice.
Understanding the Teenage Brain
The teenage brain continues to develop until around age 25. The prefrontal cortex responsible for planning, reasoning, and impulse control is still under construction, while the amygdala, the emotional control centre, is in overdrive!
This explains why small problems can provoke big reactions, why a passing comment about a jumper can feel like a life-or-death insult, and why emotions can swing from joy to despair in minutes. At the same time, this brain development brings creativity, curiosity, and the ability to think in more sophisticated ways. Questioning, challenging, and seeing the world with fresh eyes are signs of emerging independence and thoughtful decision-making – an as parents we can become the first guinea pigs for these thoughts and reactions.
Boundaries and Independence
During this stage, boundaries will be tested, privacy asserted, and occasional rudeness or slammed doors experienced. These behaviours are part of normal development. Holding boundaries gently but firmly helps girls understand limits while learning to navigate independence.
Moments of one-word answers, grunts, or a sense that some things are being kept private are normal. Expanding social worlds and developing autonomy sometimes mean not sharing every detail. These moments provide opportunities to cultivate empathy, perspective, and resilience.
The Role of Teachers
Teachers play a crucial part in helping girls navigate this period of change. By providing structure, clear expectations, and consistent support, they help pupils feel secure even as they test limits and explore independence. Classrooms become spaces where mistakes are treated as opportunities to learn rather than failures to fear.
Pastoral care teams, Form Tutors, Heads of Year and Middle School and subject teachers work together to guide pupils through challenges, whether that’s managing friendship tensions, coping with disappointment, or finding motivation after a setback. Encouraging self-reflection, kindness, and responsibility allows girls to take ownership of their actions and to see growth as a continual process.
Most importantly, teachers model the patience, empathy, and balance that adolescents are still learning to develop. They remind pupils that being stretched and challenged academically can go hand in hand with being cared for and understood emotionally.
Generosity in Judging Others
Mistakes will happen – a forgotten assignment, a poorly chosen word, or an upset friend. These moments do not define character; they are part of learning. A slammed door may reflect an overactive amygdala, a forgotten ‘thank you’ may indicate distraction, and a thoughtless comment may stem from insecurity rather than malice.
Modelling compassion and giving others the benefit of the doubt demonstrates the generosity and empathy girls are encouraged to develop. Learning to respond thoughtfully and kindly to peers builds emotional intelligence that lasts a lifetime.
Looking Ahead
Expect laughter, energy, shifting friendships, new interests, occasional dramatic meltdowns, and the testing of boundaries at home. These experiences are all part of the journey of growing up. Holding perspective and maintaining a sense of humour can help navigate the ups and downs.
These formative years lay the foundation for resilience, confidence, and kindness. Supporting girls through this stage, while allowing them the space to grow, helps them emerge as thoughtful, independent young women. So we urge you to:
Keep Perspective – this is all normal.
Have Patience – they are still learning.
Have Humour – sometimes, laughter truly is the best response!